There have been several things going on in my life lately. Things I have found stressful. Compounding stress. It hasn't been fun.
When I was in high school I worked in a jewelry store, with an incredible Italian woman who was a jeweler. She once made my a necklace of a rope with a knot tied to the end of it. It was a reminder: when I thought I was at the end of my rope, I should tie a knot and hang on for dear life.
That is where I am at right now. Trying to hold on to that rope, that knot. Trying to keep it all together. I should be focusing on gratitude. I should be focusing on all the ways in which my life is incredible. I should stop having a pity party for myself. However, I am tired and worn out from fighting these recent stressful situation ... I am running out of strength to hold on to the knot right now. I am coping with this loss of identity by wallowing in self-pity for a bit.
Today, the weather was beautiful. The kids and I jumped on the new "jumpoline". I tried to jump out some of that stress. I tried to stay present in the moment with the kids. I tried to focus more intently on their expressions and their laughter. I pushed them on the swingset. I even got on a swing myself and tried to remember when I was a kid. Kicking my legs out, trying to touch the branch of a tree, pumping my legs back and forth to go as high as possible. For a moment I felt that shift of not just remembering, but being that little girl, who wanted to swing so high she felt like she was flying. A little girl who felt freedom in those movements; defying gravity because all things are possible.
In that moment, I found a little hope. A little something to help feed my soul, to be able to push outward, against the suffocating pressure of reality of life lately.
Tomorrow, I may be back in the folds, but today, I am trying to hold onto the knot in the rope just a little tighter, because today I can.